|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Talking to a few of my friends the other day, we were discussing life after college, marriage, boyfriends etc. All the girly stuff we usually sit around and chat about.
Somewhere amidst this conversation, we stumbled upon a mini mid-life crisis. You see, I've been in school all my life, and all my friends basically come from school. There I'm surrounded by a group of people my age, its not hard to make friends. Even going to into college barely knowing anyone, making friends wasn't difficult. But, as I was sitting there and thinking, we realized once out of college, its not so easy to make friends.
Oh yea sure, if I stick with all my college/high school friends, I'd be golden. But lets say I move out to...Massachusetts...I don't know anyone there. How exactly would I make friends? Do I go to the gym and try to meet some people? Do I make friends at my job? (What if they're all old??) Do I go out to bars and talk to random strangers? In all honesty, if I don't stick with the friends I have now, I feel like I may not have friends after graduation.
But of course, once I get married and have kids, I can send them off to school and be friends with the other kid's moms...but I've got to manage to make friends in order to meet a boyfriend, and without a boyfriend I won't have a marriage or kids. Kinda vicious cycle.
Oh well.
On the plus side, during that conversation I decided that my wedding colors are going to be silver and gold. But then I was informed those are winter wedding colors and I want a fall wedding.
Not that I need to think about any of this because good chance I won't have friends after college if I move away, and if I can't even manage to make friends...let's not even begin to think about a husband.
| | |
| Somehow I can't sleep tonight, and I've turned to my old pal xanga.
I remember sitting here, right in front of this same dull glow--believing it would somehow lull me to sleep. It never worked I tell you, and I don't know why I believe it will work now. I guess some things I'll never learn huh?
There's really not much I wanted to say here, I just wanted to say something, and I suppose I have.
So thats all.
The End.
Finito.
| | |
| Forgot this even existed until I was flipping through my computer and found some old saved documents of my entries.
Looking back, I've changed a lot since when I really enjoyed this place.
I graduated high school, currently at the good 'ol University of Virginia, and not doing as hot here as I did in high school--although having a shit ton more fun. My mind has become brain dead, I used to think I enjoyed some intellectual pastimes...now I pass the time with fml and other mindless bullshit. Will you believe I watched the entire season of "Paris Hilton my New BFF" for fun? Yeah, I don't want to believe it either.
Actually come to think of it, I've changed a lot over just the course of college.
First semester, I partied it up every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday...plus the occasional weekday. I got crunk every night, drank cups and cups of beer, chugged the cups of punch, made out with some boy, and stumbled my way back home. I even remember one night while in line for a drink, I threw up over the railing only to hop right back in line to get another drink. I was a fucking trooper.
This semester, I've gotten lame, and I'm lucky if I'm in the mood to go out once a week. I can barely manage to get down a beer, the weakest of weak mixed drinks make me cringe, and all the good booze and mixers and the world don't entice me anymore.
Life is changing around me, I'm changing with it.
This here, this xanga, is just an image of what I used to be.
| | |
| Or at least I hoped it was, cause if not, I was going to hell for sure.
I'd had my fair share of moments where I felt alive, more alive than a baby taking its first breaths, more alive than the instant the rising sun peaks over the horizon, and more alive...more alive than I felt now.
Here I stand, at the edge of a cliff, feeling death on my back. I've lived, I've experienced, I've been thrilled, exhilarated, and fallen from the high I was on.
One last high for my experience, so I jump.
The feeling of wind through your hair, the weightlessness of free-fall, the rush of knowing there's no safety nets here, its a thrill I tell you, a thrill.
But all will go black in an instant.
Here it comes.
The rush of white lights makes squint my eyes as they flutter open. My mouth opens as it makes its first cries, and I can feel myself being held in a motherly embrace. I'm alive once again, I raise my fist in triumph to see that my fist is no larger than some of the pebbles I took down with my fall.
Realization hits me- heaven is that moment when you feel alive, there are no golden arches or burning flames to greet you at death. Experiencing death only makes you feel more alive.
After that, I go blank and am refilled with the urge to be held in the arms of someone I would call mother.
| | |
| I've been thinking about that for a while, cause like most teens these days do, I went through the whole..."I don't believe in god, god's not cool" or the "I'm agnostic, do you know what agnostic means?" phase a few years back. But once I got over the whole religion ain't cool thing, I wondered, why isn't it cool?
Yeah sure, there's the whole "the bible doesn't make sense" or the "religions are for conformists" dealio, but come on, it is SO convenient. Why else has everyone hopped on board?
Think about this, if you truly truly believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and the whole heaven and hell ordeal, when you kill someone, all you have to do is repent and you'll be off scot-free. Sure you may get thrown in jail or possibly even a death sentence, but if you repented, the law is basically sending you off to an eternity in paradise. What more could you want? I mean, the whole repenting thing is awesome. You basically do whatever the fuck you want, feel guilty, and then you're free to do whatever again. It works a hell of a lot better than that whole karma ordeal where you gotta watch your back...cause karma is a bitch man, a bitch I tell ya.
Or you know those life questions that boggles your mind for hours?
Example:
What came first, the chicken or the egg? If you truly believed, the answer would be simple. God came first and he created all, the chicken and the egg both came at the same time.
I mean, even the whole "How did our universe come around?" question would easily be answered with God. But of course there's always the disbelievers that have to ask "Who created God?" And for the true believers, the answer is simple. God is almighty, he has no creater, he created the universe, which created a semblence of time and space, so before that he just was.
But honestly, true believers wouldn't even bother to ask that, they'd just believe. It's so simple.
So the question is, why don't I believe? Why don't I listen to the Sunday morning preaching shows and hang on every word? Could it be the devil has got a hold on my mind? Oh the questions. It would be so wonderful to be ignorant and just mindlessly believe, but unfortunately I can't...I'm a product of my environment, and my Daddy always told me religion was for suckers.
Sigh, what a shame.
| | |
|
